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What is your horoscope? 






AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You are truthful and virtuous. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk. 



PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) - You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses a lot. 



ARIES (Mar. 21 - April 19) - You are a pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a prick. You like having sex in crowds and switching up on partners. 



TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) - You are practical and persistent. You have lots of determination and work like hell. Most people think you are a snob and bull-headed. You are nothing but a god-damned communist who loves oral sex. 



GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving in incest. 



CANCER (June 20 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. This is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth shit. 



LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies, You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot. Most Leos have herpes. 



VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps. 



LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably a queer. Chances for employment and money gains are pathetic. Most Libra women are whores. Most Libras die of venereal disease. 



SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) - You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered. 



SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck, since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or potheads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting screwed. 



CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There was never a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.