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Here's a small collection of quotes I've gathered. I think most are funny, some make you think a little, and others might be just plain dumb. Scroll down and you decide.
Here are a few quotes from a Chinese philosopher named Confucious...btw this guy is hilarious. "Man who scratch butt all day end up with stinky finger" "Man with hand in pocket, feels cocky all day" "Man who stand on toilet, high on pot" "Man who run behind car get exhausted" "American baseball wrong, man with 4 balls cannot walk" "Girl who ride bike in shorts, peddle ass all over town" "War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left" "Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!" "Wife who put husband in doghouse soon
find him in cat house"
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure of the former" - Albert Einstein "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot". - Anonymous "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." - Rich Cook "The two most abundant things in the universe are Hydrogren and stupidity." - Harlan Ellison "Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt." - Abraham Lincoln "He who laughs last thinks slowest." - Anonymous
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine" "Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. 'Yes' is the answer". "I couldn't help myself. They were so big and round and beautiful, I just had to touch them! Then she started screaming "MY EYES!, MY EYES!" and ruined the mood". "Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it" "Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW" "If you think nobody cares you're
alive, try missing a couple of car payments". "After twelve years of therapy my
psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo
ingles'". "The shortest distance between two points is always under construction" - Noelie Alite "If a man is talking in the forest, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?" - Jenny Weber "The Average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see much better than he can think" - Ladies' Home Journal "Most people think life sucks, and
then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer,
then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you
get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills
but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day
-- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to
limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool
but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to
talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and
BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe." "Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting someone else to do the work" - John G. Pollard "The Republicans have a new healthcare proposal: Just say NO to illness!" - Mark Russell "In America, anybody can be president.
That's one of the risks you take" "Never judge a book by it's movie." - J.W. Eagen "From the moment I picked your book up
until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading
it."
"Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence" "Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering." "Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys
her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers." "My mother never saw the irony in
calling me a son-of-a-bitch." "We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture." "When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always." "Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn." "I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?" "Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times." "It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it." Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, FLOOR" |
